Flying with a wedge of plastic up your bum 15 Oct 2012
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain.
Welcome aboard flight number FP21, Air Fisherprice, direct London to Frankfurt. We'll be taking off shortly, for what should be a smooth flight, with forecasts of clear skies and mild winds all the way. Flight time is one hour twenty. Arrival time will be approximately 4.50pm, local time.
While we're taxiing, I'd like to point out a few features around you. It's a modified 747 shuttle bus we're on today. Unlike most 747s, this one has some very special features. The wings are smaller than standard, but that's to – uh – maximise the views for all passengers as we travel over some very exciting parts of the Swiss Alps this afternoon.
To optimise air circulation, we've installed – or rather, uninstalled – the windows, so you've got a clear view of the clouds and the smell of pristine fresh CO2. Don't worry though; your stubby little bodies won't fit through those holes any time soon. It's been lab tested.
You'll see that the door is solid plastic. In fact the whole plane is made of the stuff. And the door too has a big hole. Again, for that breezy feeling. It closes with a kind of hard click, which – in case of emergencies – can be easily nudged open with a firm plastic shoulder.
In fact, some might say to save money – such as those narrow-minded civil aviation authority guys – most of the roof is a gaping hole. We like to call it a carbon saving strategy. Full air recycling means no air conditioning emissions, which is a damn good thing at this sensitive altitude, where all that bad carbon seems to migrate.
Oh, also. You'll see that rather than conventional seats, each seat designation has a large bump. Feel free to insert that up your anal cavity for the duration of the flight – especially when the seat-belt light comes on. At Air Fisher-price, it's always safety first.
And to add to the excitement, as the wheels of the plane turn, those bumps in your bum go up and down quite vigorously – given you the feeling of really, uh, being on the move. You'll see; those aviation authority guys certainly did.
Finally, when I push down really hard on my seat – my doctor told me to be careful – it makes the Air Fisher-price jingle play through tiny speakers on the undercarriage of the plane. But with all those holes in the roof and windows, you'll hear that just fine.
So, that's about it. For now, sit back, adjust your anal grip so you're snug, grab an inflight magazine. Oh, sorry … just a sec. … No, don't grab the inflight magazines; they're, uh, molded into the plastic bulkheads.
Anyway, enjoy clear views through your nearest hole, relax and enjoy the flight. Like I said, it's clear skies all the way to Frankfurt, only on Air Fisherprice.
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