Fat-heads and short-arses 3 Mar 2014
Online concert ticketing just got fascinating.
A friend and I went to a classical music recital. I said I’d organise the tickets.
The online ticketing system was great. Through different colour-coded dots, I could easily make out which seats were still available, and for what price ranges.
But something odd struck my attention. A few seats were coloured dark blue, and the legend indicated them as ‘No fat-heads’.
When I hovered my mouse over one of these dark-blue seats, a pop-up window explained: ‘Due to a short-arse reservation in the seat directly behind, fat-heads are advised not to purchase this seat’.
Conversely, some seats were marked light blue, indicated as ‘No short-arses’. The explanation read: ‘Due to a fat-head reservation in the seat directly in front, short-arses are advised not to purchase this seat’.
It seemed a little confusing, but I soon worked it out. When I went to select my seat, it asked me to confirm if I was a fat-head, short-arse or neither. Okay. Being below average height, I selected ‘short-arse’.
After I made the purchase, I logged back in to check something out, As I expected, the seat in front of the one I had purchased was now marked ‘No fat-heads’.
This seemed to make sense, but I still had my doubts it would work.
On the night of the performance, my friend and I got there early and enjoyed a drink before the show. The crowd seemed very sedate: mostly couples in their 40s and 50s.
We sat down to find ourselves seated behind … you guessed it, two fat-heads. One of each gender. He had a tall frame, big shoulders, big neck and of course a fat potato head. She simply had big hair.
I had told my friend earlier about the new ticketing rules, so we were now shocked and unsure what to do.
Just before the concert started, I took action. I tapped the guy on the shoulder and showed him my ticket.
“You see here,” I explained politely, “I ticked ‘short-arse’ on my ticket, which means that you would have been warned not to buy your ticket”.
The man proved very amenable. He explained that his wife had bought the tickets ages ago as a birthday present.
The wife then turned to me, equally polite. “I guess I didn’t think of my husband as being a fat-head,” she explained.
“Oh yes,” I said, “he’s very much a fat-head”.
The man nodded. “It’s true dear,” he said to his wife, “I’ve always been a fat-head”.
I then had an idea for resolving this so that we could see the performers. I suggested that the fat-head couple swap with the couple next to them, who were clearly of more average height.
By now quite a few other people were listening in to our conversation, including the couple next to the fat-heads. They were happy to swap seats.
As they swapped, the fat-heads realised that they were now sitting in front of a couple who were quick short.
The short couple seemed a little upset, until I explained that next time they needed to tick ‘short-arse’ on their tickets. The man seemed a little affronted by this, but I told him it’s just about being honest and using the system correctly.
He seemed okay with this, and realised that he could see just fine, even behind the fat-head couple.
The concert started soon after, and it was a beautiful night.
At the end of the concert, as well as stood to leave, I offered a tiny smile and nod to the lovely fat-heads. They smiled back, knowingly. Technology had saved the night.
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