Breaking bad English 10 May 2014
In this special bulletin, we lay some heavy pharmacology on bad-ass words – from ‘urine’ to ‘toilet pan’. Okay, and a few points elsewhere.
Ox I don’t hate this word; I just feel sorry for the animal it’s associated with. Such a large, sold beast, yet given such a small, measly name. A name that’s just one syllable, phonetically no larger than most English letters of the alphabet. Up against a rhinoceros, salamander or flamingo, if I was an ox I’d be ought right ashamed. Poor ox. Smear When it comes to annual check-ups, I hear that women hate ‘smear’ in all its incarnations. And everyone hates those public toilets where all you’ve got are shiny little squares of paper that ‘move’ but don’t ‘remove’. Come on, we’ve all been there. What’s not to hate about ‘smear’. Toilet pan In the bathroom at my medical clinic, there’s a sign warning you not to flush anything other than paper down the ‘toilet pan’. Here’s my thinking on why this is wrong. A pan is shallow, yet a bowl is deep. So if you’re using a pan, well ... you’re simply too close to the action. Blergh! Par-baked The problem with the ‘par’ here is self-evident. The word, like its meaning, is simply incomplete. Could someone send Sarah Lee a letter: ‘par’ is supposed to be ‘part’. Shame shame shame! Little boys Nothing wrong with young males children. What gets my goat is when this phrase is used to describe small red sausages. It’s just creepy in a Stepford Wives kinda way. Urine This word’s just plain wrong. Phonetically, the ‘u’ sounds like ‘you’, which places us right in the middle of the action. And when it comes to wee, the middle of the action ain’t where I want to be. And the ‘rine’ just sounds draconian and belligerent. Wee, pee, pish, number ones – there’s gotta be a better way people! Slurry It’s a word so horrid that even Wikipedia hates it when they define it as ‘any fluid mixture of a pulverized solid with a liquid’. Potters use the stuff when throwing vases in spinning wheels. But I’ve heard even they’re ashamed of it. I’d be. Ablution The problem with ‘ablution’ is that it sounds like something truly horrid. Like a word you use when things get really gross in a slasher flick. And yet it’s nothing more than a ritual cleansing. What is wrong with English today!? |
A bad-ass beast with an
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